Beautiful

I looked in the mirror and smiled.

He’ll finally see that I’m a girl who likes him. An ex-boyfriend of my bestfriend will definitely want to be my boyfriend.

But he didn’t. Instead he told my bestfriend to start over. It hurt, but I won’t tell anyone I’m inlove with him.

I grew up as an ugly duckling and finally felt like a swan when I had a boyfriend. Someone wanted me. Someone who said I was the most beautiful girl in the world.

That same someone tried to rip away my virginity. He kept urging me to have sex with him even if I don’t want to do it. Thank God I learned to say NO to the wrong things.

I didn’t feel beautiful anymore. I felt like trash.

But we still continued our relationship. He tried to force me again about the sex thing but still, I stand undefeated by him threatening me. But his anger escalated. He cursed me and kept on accusing me of flirting with another guy.

Then he told me, “Don’t even think about leaving me. No one else would want you anyway! I’m the best you’ll ever get!”

I believed him.

Until I got sick of him and broke up with him. After him, met lots of guys who treated me with respect. But none of them ever asked me out.

Maybe my ex-boyfriend was right. “Napagsawaan na ko”. No longer beautiful.

(But then my bestfriend’s ex and I are already having a mutual understanding. He respects me and does love me for who I am.)

It wasn’t after days later as I sat with girls of different ages, listening to them talk about boys and wishing they were beautiful, that I started to grasp the truth.

No one could make me feel beautiful.

One of the girls talked about her dad. “My dad says, ‘You used to be so cute. What happened?’ ” Tears streamed down her beautiful chocolate skin. She didn’t think she’d ever be beautiful.

I knew differently. She was already beautiful. She just didn’t believe it.

Then I asked a question. “What are you trying to get when you dress to impress a guy?”

Their eyes grew wide. I waited.

One girl spoke up. “I like to dress nice. The boys notice and it feels good inside.”

“But what happens when he decides someone else looks better?”

“It hurts.”

“Yes it does.”

I spent my teen years trying to get someone to love me any way I could. I wanted their attention and their words to make me feel beautiful.

What I’ve finally received in the deepest part of my heart is that our eternal need to be loved, to be beautiful, will be satisfied first in God. Or it won’t be satisfied at all.

So I’m taking a U-turn and encourage people to take our questions to God, not to boys, or anyone else for that matter. It’s pretty amazing to see the light in the eyes of girls as they hear God answer their questions with, “Yes! I see you. You are beautiful. You are mine and you are loved.”

I’m starting to see that light in my own eyes, too. I remind myself that I am beautiful in God’s eyes. His eyes see me first thing in the morning and on bad hair days.

And He still says I’m beautiful.

Created this last December 4, 2009